After months of exhaustion, vomiting, nausea, and complete inconsolable grumpiness, I went to a doctor. Sure I have noticed that the zipper on my jeans was a little harder to manage, the legs were still loose. Quickly i was approaching the lying on the bed and zip with the end of a wire hanger trick. I tolerated five months of discomfort before having the cause of my physical reality medically confirmed. the astonishing truth is that I knew the moment of conception--the tingle of a life bearing merge of two lives into an irreversible truth: A baby, a little growing passenger.
When the doctor put the cool jelly on my tummy and then the device that looked like a bar code scanner, the room filled with a rapid fire pound of a little beating heart.
"Damn" I am pretty sure I said that out loud. The doctor put his hand on my shoulder and sighed out all the breathe he had deep within him. Gently he asked me to roll up my sleeve for a blood sample. "A pregnancy test?" I asked. " I am pretty sure nothing else would make that kind of sound, not even a bowl of crazy hot bean latent chili." He shot a small breathy giggle out of his nose "I know Marianne it is just better to have a blood test." "Okay but i want to pay cash for it." Okay that is fine" he replied, "You know having this baby is your only option now. You are too far along for anything else."
"I know"
"Marianne I will call you myself when the test results come back Okay?"
"Okay" It was the kind of okay with lots of space inside it. It echoed against my numbness.
If there was a color that I could have breathed out it would have been grey. I had enough inside to cover the sun. This was the beginning of my ultimate in between time. It was a walk in a long hall with no doors or windows in sight. I had good shoes and a mind for imagining. I did not feel fear as much as I felt tested like a runner feels at the beginning of a marathon. You work hard to understand what you are capable of but one unexpected hill can try you and wear you down unexpectedly.
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My goal in writing is to express the truths of being a birth parent, the strength, the sadness, the joy, the struggles in the nature of adoption, placement and reunion. I hope that it will be helpful to all people with lives touched by adoption. I especially hope to help illuminate the misunderstanding of the nature of the choice to place a child for adoption and the profile of those that do.
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