Saturday, October 17, 2009

the unsensational truth of truly remarkable day

Writing a sentence like "It was a day like any other day" and listening to the keys click on my keyboard, my mind flashes to Spiderman or Superman. Well here a day in the May 2009 did start like any other but in this case there are no super heros and no freakish mutant powers just an ordinary woman sitting quietly at her desk at work listening to music and doing paperwork. The phone rings in a not so unusual way and I answer it in a not so unusual way, a friendly hello, the name of the company and my name. On the other end, is this Marianne, The Marianne? I start to giggle a little because I am accustom to this kind of playfulness. In the industry I work in many of our new clients come to us through referrals. Some people love us and some people no so much, this kind of banter is not unusual. Quickly though the caller identified themselves as a representative from Adoptions with Love, gently guiding me to the nature of the call. "Marianne 18 years ago you had a relationship with the agency that I work for in Newton, Massachusetts." This simple little statement sucked the wind right out of my lungs. It is not the kind of breathless that you get from running up a mountain or from being punched in the gut, it is the kind that you get from just have the air sucked right out of your lungs like when you accidentally get the dental sucking hose pointed toward your throat instead of your gums, simply just taking the wind right out of you. The fortunate sentence next form the caller is "everyone is okay, no one died or is ill." This gave me the hiccup of a breath that I needed. Next my favorite sentence, "She is beautiful, grounded and very bright." Ahhhhhhh, I thought. From this moment, after a series of "Oh my gods and holy cows, I was able to begin a conversation that changed my life forever in a mindful and bare bone banter.

I will not lie, huge teardrops jumped out of my eye like a swimmer leaping from a bridge-up and out then splash on the ground. I have never seen anything like it in my life, perfect round splashes of eye water, one after the other, perfect circles of wet that landed on the ground in shiny splotches like house paint or oil. I just kept chanting, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD. Nancy from AWL asked if this was a good OH MY GOD or a bad one. I assured her that it was the best OH MY GOD of my entire life. It was the kind of OH MY GOD that blasted away the last eighteen years like a wind licks a dandelion puff-so much seemed completely irrelevant and seemed to no longer apply.

From this conversation I learned that my daughter wanted to meet me. First letters and then pictures. The goal-our second meeting. My personality is such that I make sure when I sit to write that I am quiet inside. I make sure that all the chatter of fear and nervousness are quieted down. I also had to have a firm belief that I could write something meaningful and representational of myself. I had to cry my eyes out again a number of times and then I settled down to the letter. I described as much as I could think battling the beast inside that say i may be a bore and I started the story of all that she had been a part of in my life despite her physical absence. I was sure to mention that her birth remains an inspiration to me in every possible way. The strength and clarity that I gained in having her grow in my body and become an amazing human being was my beckon of strength to this day. Reminding myself when set to a task that may be a challenge- it certainly was not the going to be the hardest thing I ever had to do. I was excited and I felt a kind of focus and completeness that I had not felt ever, maybe in my entire life.

The morning of our meeting, getting ready and then driving, I would describe it as being a little kid waking on Christmas morning, knowing I was the first to wake up, but waiting for someone to come get me and tell me it was time to go down stairs. It felt like I had a joy bomb in my belly and it was going to explode and the joy juice would leak out everywhere in the most delicious way. You have to understand it is that feeling when you know a surprise that will make someone you love really happy and you have to bite back the words because the waiting for the right moment is more important than telling them. It was a great feeling.

There was a big water fountain in the park where we met. She was leaning against the wall. I stood for a second just looking at her before she noticed I was there. My tummy flipped like i was a little girl lying on the back seat of the car. We walked right up to one another and hugged and cried and hugged and cried and hugged and cried. It was delightful. After we finished our first blub together for the moment, I held her away by the shoulders and I asked her "Well has it been good your life so far?" She smiled wide and deep, eyes sparkly and said "YES" I replied "Excellent". Inside I thought, "Just like I planned."

There are so many details just from the first day to share. The conversations with my daughter, seeing her parents again, being invited to her graduation and the sweet, quiet, contemplative ride home represents a beginning. What I can tell you of this experience is that I know that with confidence that I am in her life now. We are engaged together, all four of us, in getting to know one another. We all have a strong bond due to the nature of things and now we have the pleasure of knowing and loving one another more deeply. What I hope to be true 18 years ago are. My daughter is healthy. She grew up with two strong and loving parents who guided her to knowing herself. She has had an enormous number of experiences and introductions with cultures from all over the world. She is confident, clear, sassy and kind.

What I can also tell you of the experience so far is that in many ways I feel like I have worked for the last 18 years to prepare for seeing her again and having her become a part of my life. Her birth set me on a journey of question and answer. I mended the hole that I felt inside after we were apart and I gently applied suave to it, patting it lovingly not really knowing if it would ever be full but feeling pretty sure that it would be. Now having her in my life I have to tell you that in order to take her in I have to pull back the skin to fill the hole. There are challenges and a little ache in all the joy at first, but not enough to stop me from any of it. These are the happiest days for me and the ones that give me the overwhelming sense that I do indeed know when and how to do the right thing. She has helped me become all that I have evolved to be and I believe that I drink deeper from the cup than if I had not had this experience in my life. I believe my life is a rich life. One that has given me a kind of sensitivity and alertness that helps me find good in most things. I trust more deeply the knowing inside that guides me to search out all the juice in a day and the sparks the belief in a dream and the patiences to see something through to a delicious new beginning.

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